


Back to the Roots

by Suzaku_Knight_of_One



Series: The Knight's (L)Oath(ing) [2]
Category: Code Geass
Genre: Affairs, Alcohol/Drugs, Alternative Timeline, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Hurt/Comfort, Lelouch loves Suzaku, M/M, Past Suzaeuphy, Smut, Suzaku is a big mess, lies and suffering
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:15:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28141503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Suzaku_Knight_of_One/pseuds/Suzaku_Knight_of_One
Summary: After Suzaku is suspended from his knighthood, he and his former personal knight return to Ashford Academy. There Suzaku finally faces Lelouch again, whom he suspects of having repeatedly acted as Zero. But instead of giving free rein to his rage, everything turns out differently between the two...
Relationships: Kururugi Suzaku/Lelouch Lamperouge | Lelouch vi Britannia, Kururugi Suzaku/Original Female Character(s)
Series: The Knight's (L)Oath(ing) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2007979
Comments: 5
Kudos: 10





	1. Back to Ashford Academy

**Author's Note:**

> This story will be the second part.
> 
> The focus of this part is mainly on Suzalulu, but there will be Suzaku x OC, too.  
> At this time, I don't know what pairings/plot points I will include in the future chapters I haven't written so far, so maybe I will add SuzaEuphy as a ship; depends how much flashbacks I will write regarding this two. (The framework plot is planned, of course)  
> And of course there will occur minor characters, I don't give a mention in the character tags (like Kallen, Cecile, Euphy, C.C...)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Suzaku and Estelle are greeted by their old classmates. Estelle notices Suzaku's hypocritical behavior towards Lelouch. There is an argument over dinner.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3.5k words.  
> contains dubios consent (but no actually smut)

## Back to Ashford Academy

It's early in the morning and Suzaku and Estelle are on their way to the Ashford Academy campus. It still feels strange to both of them to be wearing their school uniform again, especially for Suzaku. It has now been over half a year since he went to school here. With a determined expression he walks through the gate in front, behind him Estelle, who smiles slightly. Maybe Suzaku would change back to his former self by the help of his friends. Perhaps that way he could become the Suzaku she loved, again.  
In front of the entrance, they suddenly see familiar faces who have gathered to greet them.

"Welcome back, Estelle and Suzaku!", they are immediately greeted enthusiastically by Milly. Standing next to her, they welcome the rest of the student council members. Shirley has stood next to Lelouch, who has turned his gaze to Suzaku and looks at him with a nostalgic smile.

"Hello cousin, haven't seen you in a long time!" Estelle teases, who has turned to Milly.

After Suzaku has also said hello back, he takes a quick look at Lelouch. When their eyes meet, Suzaku quickly evades his look. He didn't want to look him in the eye, for fear Lelouch might see through him. When Lelouch played games with him by maintaining his best friend facade, Suzaku wanted to do the same. He knew it wasn't going to be easy, after all, they were once best friends. But he was still convinced that Lelouch was already Zero again, no matter what he played for him. Therefore, Suzaku have to be his ordinary self. He wanted to win after all.

"We have organized a small welcome party in the schoolyard especially for your return!", Milly happily tells them about the surprise. Then they are asked to follow her and the rest of the group. The meadow behind the school building is full of students, tables and benches. There are also numerous food stalls with all kinds of different dishes. Since it is autumn now, it has a pleasant temperature outside in the afternoon. With Milly and Rivalz, the friends head for a table with free benches, which they have reserved.

Suzaku smiles, but Estelle notices that it's just a facade. He goes to great lengths to look as happy as he used to before the misfortune took its course. But Estelle knew that hypocritical smile from him all too well by now. Even then he had been partly a hypocrite, but now he had lost even more of his honesty. She wasn't sure anymore whether she should still have high hopes for the change to old Suzaku. But it was still too early to throw in the towel. Maybe Suzaku first had to gain trust again to unbend.

"Do you want to get some food at the table right away?," asks Milly before they sit on the benches.  
“Thanks, but we ate already. You ... really made the effort to organize it at such short notice ...?,” asks Suzaku with a slightly puzzled look.  
“Oh, we had something like that planned for this season anyway. So we brought it forward,” smiles the blonde. Estelle and Suzaku take a seat across from Milly, Rivalz, Lelouch and Shirley.

"Then tell us a bit about yourselves! How is your work going and why have you decided to go to the Ashford Academy again?,” Milly asks curiously.

Both think for a moment until Estelle wants to say something, but Suzaku interrupts her, "We have decided to take a break together and continue our careers not until after leaving school."  
Estelle is not surprised that Suzaku would lie. And in that respect she was even happy, because the truth was bitter for her, too. She was also not interested in revealing the entire story between her and Suzaku.

Lelouch sat on the edge of the bench, furthest from the two of them. He had a thoughtful expression on his face. His best friend tried to hide behind a facade from him by pretending that nothing had ever happened between him and Lelouch. But Lelouch could already guess why Suzaku was doing that. The reason, that really made him want to go back to Ashford Academy. And in some way he even liked the, probably true, intention: after all, the reason was him. Suzaku wanted to expose him as Zero and what was a better opportunity than to visit the Ashford Academy again under this pretext?

“That's nice, we're really happy to have you back here!”, replies Shirley.  
“And, have you two been in a relationship now?” When Lelouch unexpectedly asks this question afterwards, they are immediately looked at with curiosity by their counterparts.  
Estelle and Suzaku are then thrown out of their composure. Lelouch had asked that for a reason. He wanted to experience the reactions of both to pull down Suzaku's facade.

"Oh ..., we are not ...-", Estelle wants to answer embarrassed when she is interrupted by Suzaku, who has a convinced look on.  
"Actually, we are in a relationship. She's my girlfriend. We actually wanted to keep it a secret for a while longer, but since it is apparently already obvious, there's no need anymore”, he shrugs his shoulders.

Estelle is shocked by his answer. Why did he want his friends to believe they were a couple? What did he get out of this lie?  
She has no choice but to nod with a smile ashamed and to agree.

For Lelouch, her reaction was enough to confirm it was a lie. Suzaku tried to answer what, in his opinion, Lelouch wanted to hear the least. He probably wanted to make him jealous, or at least make him believe that everything was going well between him and his knight. And that was exactly his mistake. Because now Lelouch was even more convinced that their relationship was broken. Weak spots, that he would take advantage of, just as he planned to free CC. He had to grin maliciously inside.

Suzaku realizes that Lelouch still doesn't make a face and looks at him and Estelle with his typical smile. Suzaku had hoped that Lelouch's expression would reveal that he was no longer under the influence of the King's Geass. And thus be the old Lelouch again.

Milly and Shirley are briefly surprised by Suzaku's revelation and are happy for them both. Shirley then looks depressed at Lelouch, who has turned his gaze to his counterpart. Even Suzaku, who was initially hated by Estelle, had found his love. Inwardly she had to sigh.

"Then you've already found your escort for the upcoming school ball!," smiles Rivalz with obvious envy.  
“School ball?” Estelle and Suzaku are surprised at the same time.  
“It will take place in a month. Lelouch and Shirley take care of the organization on site, while Rivalz and I organize everything in advance,” explains Milly.

“Have you two ever been to a ball together?” Lelouch wants to know. As Prince of Britannia, he knew the royal customs and his half-brother's love of sex parties. Since both lived in the palace and Suzaku held a high post as Knight of Seven, the assumption was obvious.

His question triggers both memories of the ball party and how wrong it ultimately went.  
"Yeah... we have been before...", Suzaku says thoughtfully, who would prefer to leave it at that.  
“What went wrong?,” asks Milly curiously.  
Suzaku is shaken awake from his thoughts again. He doesn't want to be reminded of it, and he doesn't want Lelouch to know that his "relationship" wasn't going well.

“Suzaku is Japanese. A certain lord is trying to make life difficult for him,” says Estelle. It wasn't a lie. Suzaku nods in agreement.  
“Then you can look forward to the school ball even more! You are very welcome here!,” Milly encourages them.  
Suzaku smiles weakly.

However, Estelle isn't happy to escort Suzaku to a ball a second time. It couldn't get worse than last time, but now she has to pretend that they are a couple. At the moment she feels more disgusted when she thinks about being kissed by him. She hadn't forgotten the last time he had slept with her, unlike him.

Lelouch is delighted to see that they share negative memories. Judging by the dismissive and thoughtful expression on her face, there was more to it than that. That brought him closer to his goal of driving a wedge between the two.

“Tell me, is Kallen no longer at school?” Suzaku changes the subject. He knew she was back with the Black Knights. It would be all the better for him not to meet her here.  
"She ... has been on sick leave for a long time and has been absent ever since ..." Shirley replies sympathetically.  
Estelle notices that this answer pleased Suzaku inwardly.

They chat with each other about what happened to Milly, Shirley, Rivalz and Lelouch during their absence. Suzaku almost forgets that he is here for a specific purpose while listening to them with interest. However, Suzaku's carefree state did not last long. He couldn't ignore Lelouch's presence, no matter how hard he tried to block out what had happened between them.

Estelle notices that he was tense when Lelouch added something to the conversation. Could the two of them have an argument that she didn't know about? The last time she saw the two of them together, they acted like best friends. What had happened between them?

It's already evening and Suzaku and Estelle say goodbye.  
They are walking towards the military base when they are stopped by a familiar voice.

"Suzaku!"

Both then turn around and see Lelouch standing a few meters in front of them. He has his typical casual smile on his face.  
Suzaku, however, cannot return his happy expression and looks at him questioningly.

"Lelouch?!"

"I just wanted to tell you that I've missed you, old friend!" He takes a few steps towards the two of them.  
Suzaku holds his breath inwardly. Was Lelouch doing this on purpose to lure him out of the reserve?  
"I am glad to hear that from you. After all, we haven't seen each other for half a year,” replies Suzaku with a neutral expression.  
Estelle wasn't given the impression that Suzaku missed his best friend either.

Lelouch then smiles weakly. So Suzaku hadn't missed him. His best friend was such a bad hypocrite.  
"I ... wanted to tell you ... if something is on your mind ... or you need a place to stay, you know where to find me," he makes Suzaku the offer to join him in their former shared room at Ashford Academy.  
His behavior indicated that he had noticed something must have happened between Suzaku and Estelle. Suzaku was annoyed by Lelouch's acumen.

"That ... won't be necessary. But thank you for your generous offer,” Suzaku declines with a forced smile.  
Lelouch's disappointed look finally arouses pity in Estelle.  
“He will come to visit you!,” winks Estelle Lelouch. Suzaku is not enthusiastic about her interference and subtly nudges her with his shoulder.  
Lelouch smiles at Estelle's encouragement and doesn’t show that he didn’t miss Suzaku’s reaction.  
"We go now. Cécile and Lloyd are already waiting for us at dinner together in the canteen,” Suzaku ends their short conversation by turning around immediately. Estelle looks at him unbelievable at his negative attitude towards Lelouch. She turns to Lelouch again before saying goodbye.  
"Then ... see you later, my friends!" Lelouch calls after them.

His supposedly still best friend didn't bother saying goodbye as Lelouch would have expected. Suzaku must really hate him. The thought made him sad. Even if he were to convince Suzaku that he was no longer Zero and didn't know anything about it, he would still never be considered a best friend by him. Whatever hopes Lelouch had of regaining his childhood friend, Suzaku's pain was too deep to start over.

Suzaku and Estelle go back to the military base where their bedrooms are. In contrast to their palace apartments in Pendragon, there are shared showers, a cafeteria instead of their own kitchen and lounge. It was anything but the luxury they were used to.

They are sitting at a table with Cécile and Lloyd over dinner in the well-stocked cafeteria.  
“How was your day?” Cécile asks curiously as she pokes at her food.  
"Not that bad. My cousin told us about the school ball next month,” says Estelle with mixed feelings as she stirs her hot soup.  
Meanwhile, Suzaku bites into a rice ball, which tastes amazingly good for cafeteria meals. In fact, it was probably because this did not arise from Cecile's culinary skills.

"And ... are you going to go to the ball together?" Cécile asks a little hesitantly. She couldn't imagine that Estelle was happy with it, after all, she was still mentally suffering from the consequences of Suzaku's deeds.

"She's just curious because she'd like to dance with our little Lancelot herself," Lloyd throws in with a grin. Thereupon she blushes ashamed and throws Lloyd an angry look, which made him understand that he should hold back.

"We probably have no other choice," replies Estelle, a little annoyed.

“Hey, what's wrong with that? It's just a normal school ball,” Suzaku now interferes. He doesn't want to admit that Estelle apparently doesn't want to escort him anymore.  
“Wait a minute, why do you have to go there together?,” asks Cécile in surprise.  
"He boasted that we were a couple," Estelle promptly says, sounding angry about it.

Suzaku feels hurt because of her unwillingness and his expression is annoyed too. Cécile is surprised and notices the tension between the two.  
“I didn't brag. I only said it because ... it's true after all... in a certain way we are in a relationship,” he makes clear to her a little angrily.

Was Suzaku serious? Did he lie because he believed it was true? They slept together and he actually called this a relationship? From Estelle's point of view, they were as far from a real relationship as they could possibly be.

"You call a lord-knight relationship a relationship?", Estelle says, stunned, who has turned her gaze to the person sitting next to her.  
“Because it's not a lord-knight relationship! You like me, don't you?," He reacts angrily. Cécile and Lloyd stay out and listen in shock to their argument.

"Oh, so you think I'm sleeping with you voluntarily? You're complacent, you think you're doing me something good, just to silence your conscience! You're no different than the average lord,” Estelle replies blankly, while she stands up to get away from him.  
Suzaku also stands up, shocked by her statement.

"What's your problem, Estelle ...?" He asks irritably, completely unreasonable.

“You don't care about my problems. You are only interested in yourself,” she says with a bowed head and turns away to disappear.  
“You obviously don't want to tell me!” Suzaku calls after her.  
She then stops and turns to him.

“You never tell me about your problems either. What happened between you and Lelouch? Did you have a fight ?!,” she asks reproachfully.

"How ... do you come up with it now?" Suzaku says with mock astonishment.  
So did she notice? Was that why she was suddenly in a bad mood? He wouldn't tell her the truth. Inwardly, he was afraid that she would trust Lelouch more than him. He couldn't let Lelouch turn her into a pawn and use his knight against him.

"That's exactly what I meant." With these final words, she turns around and leaves the room.  
Suzaku sits down again, depressed, resting his head on his hands while he looks down. Cécile and Lloyd look at their counterpart in silence. Cécile is sorry for Suzaku when she sees him sitting desperately at the table, but it must not have been easy for Estelle either. She also knew Suzaku's secrecy about her too well.

Estelle lies in her bed and tries to sleep, mentally exhausted from today. After all, she had to get up early tomorrow and she didn't want to think about the argument with Suzaku any longer.  
She admitted she was exaggerating when she testified that she did not voluntarily sleep with him. For the most part, that statement was incorrect. In the end, she hoped for something. In fact, she hoped that she could make Suzaku back to who she has met. She wished that Suzaku would develop romantic interest in her through having this affair. But instead, he kept showing her what a hypocrite he was.  
  
  


Today she had had another glimmer of hope that Suzaku could develop for the better by seeing his friends again. But today those hopes have largely been dashed again. Besides, why would she want to hold onto Suzaku at all? After all, he gave her soul a blow. Several times, when she thought of all the times he drove her to despair.

Suddenly she is torn from her thoughts by a knock on her room door. When there is a second knock and it doesn't open, a voice can be heard,  
“Estelle! I know you're upset ... will you let me in?”  
She just sighs and turns on her other side to ignore him.  
Suddenly she hears the sound of a key. So he also had a spare key here and thus access! What good was it then that she was allocated a single room at her request? She is shocked when Suzaku actually uses his right of access and immediately intrudes into her privacy.

She feels his presence at the now open door of her bedroom. He sees her lying in bed with her front body turned to the wall. He approaches her slowly.  
“I'm sorry, Estelle. I ... I guess I hurt you ... ," he apologizes with a hurt look.  
She is curled up in the blanket and continues to try to ignore him. Even if he apologized to her, he had just gained entry and didn't even see a problem in it. This behavior already told her the insight with which his apology must be connected.

Suddenly she hears him taking off his school uniform. She then freezes and begins to tremble. Didn't he notice that she wanted him to leave her alone? Does he actually think she wanted him now?  
"You ... are shivering ..." he wonders when he finally joins her in bed and wraps his hands around her from behind. She can hear his breath on her neck and his body heat. She is praying inwardly, squinting her eyes when she finally feels his hands under her night dress and his bare torso is pressed against her back.

"Let me prove to you that you want it too …," he breathes in her ear with a demanding pitch as he reaches her bare breasts with his hands and begins to massage them. Estelle is afraid of him and what he would do to her. She thinks about the suffering Suzaku had caused her recently. He wasn't himself, but the pain was deep.

The fact that he was now also trying to prove she was wrong only confirmed what a bastard he'd become. He told himself he understood her better than she did herself. He didn't notice that he was hurting her.

"Relax, Estelle ..." he speaks gently to her when he hears her general tension. He runs his thumbs around her nipples and gets a gasp in response.  
"Mhh ... you see ... it's fine for you too," he breathes into her ear, while he enjoys the body contact and his cock hardens.  
However, when he moves a hand from her chest into her panties, he gets suddenly tired. This state increases at a rapid pace, so that he wants to indulge in it. His need for sleep is suddenly greater than his need for sexual satisfaction. He yawns and his movements slow down. With the last of his energy he wraps his arms around her warm body again and falls asleep exhausted. When she hears his sleep noises she breathes a sigh of relief.

The sleeping pills, which she had mixed into his drink during dinner to be on the safe side, finally started to work. Hopefully he would sleep until the next morning. With this reflection, her tension suddenly subsides. Even if she did not yet know how to proceed with him now.  
She couldn't give him sleeping pills every time, could she?! Why did he do this to her? Was he still so mad at her from their argument that he couldn't think clearly?

Then it occurs to her that she should talk to Lelouch. He was Suzaku's childhood friend, maybe he knew more about what was bothering Suzaku. And if it had something to do with an argument between him and Lelouch, maybe Lelouch would clear her up.  
But now she wanted to sleep first and also give in to her emerging tiredness. She turns briefly to the now peacefully sleeping young man behind her, who is hugging her. She carefully frees herself from his grip and falls asleep next to him a little later.


	2. What happens when problems are ignored

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **When Estelle and Lelouch are alone, they both talk about Suzaku, who overhears them. Buried memories thus return and trigger psychological suffering in him. Suzaku then tries to kill himself.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suicide attempt.  
> 4.2k words.

## What happens when problems are ignored

The next day after school, Lelouch is still alone in the student council room, sitting at the sewing machine. It is already dark outside and after her sports course Estelle notices that the light is still on on the first floor.  
She goes there and when she opens the door, she sees Lelouch sewing with an astonished expression.

"Lelouch? Are you still here?” she asks, puzzled. She is pleased that she now apparently has the opportunity to talk to him about Suzaku.

“I wanted to finish sewing Milly's ball gown today. She actually wanted to do it herself, but her sewing skills would ruin it,” explains Lelouch with a smile.  
  
"And that's why you took on this job?! How noble,” jokes Estelle.

“Where's Suzaku? Are you alone?” Lelouch suddenly wants to know and stops his work.  
  
“He took a shower after the sports class. Our ways parted since. I don't know where he is now. Maybe already in the military base,” she ponders briefly.

Meanwhile, Suzaku sits with Arthur on his arm on a bough that is at the same level with the room where Estelle and Lelouch are. When he was bitten by Arthur, his painful reaction made him aware that the light was still on in the building behind him. He climbs closer to the window to see that it is his comrades who are talking. A window is tilted and he can listen to their conversation.

Lelouch had to grin, because he had hoped that Estelle would visit him. It was not for nothing that he had decided to sew Milly's dress here today.

"Ah I understand. And I thought you were such a couple that stuck together all the time,” says Lelouch with relief.  
  
"Eh, ... no. Definitely we are not," Estelle says hesitantly. Should she tell him the truth? That Suzaku lied and she wasn't his girlfriend? She decides to leave it at that for now. If there really was an argument between the two of them, it would be better to hear Lelouch's point of view and not to rush into anything.

"Tell me ... did something happen between you and Suzaku?" Estelle asks curiously.

As a result of her words, Suzaku becomes aware. If Lelouch didn't give himself away to him, then maybe to his knight. Maybe he would try to get her to his side by revealing more to her than she knew about Suzaku. Maybe Suzaku would get what he eagerly wanted – the confirmation that Lelouch was Zero again. He keeps his eavesdroppers open and waits impatiently for Lelouch's reaction.

When he was still attending his sports class after school today, he was able to let go of his thoughts about Lelouch for a short time. But now he was again in a situation that awakened his feelings. The anger he felt when he thought about Lelouch.

Lelouch expected this question, because he had noticed Estelle's quizzical looks about Suzaku's behavior.  
“To be honest ... not that I can remember something bad happened. When we went to school six months ago, we were still best friends ...” He looks sad when he says that.  
  
"Hmm ... that ... is strange ..." Estelle muses.

“Suzaku has changed a lot since we last met. He has become cold and dismissive... “, Lelouch confirms her doubts.

Suzaku bites his teeth, suppressing his anger. So Lelouch hadn't given himself away. So, according to Suzaku's analysis, he neither trusted Estelle nor did he think he could discipulize her with the truth, that he was Zero. The only other possibility was that Lelouch has actually still the false memories. But Suzaku dismissed this thought and continues to listen attentively. He might give him a sign that revealed to him, that he had to be Zero again.

"Yes you are right... . When I became his knight, I hardly recognized him anymore. Still, I can't shake the feeling that he is angry with you for whatever reason ... "

Lelouch suspected that Suzaku hadn't told her anything about his identity as Zero. Now she confirmed it. Suzaku suspected her or was afraid that she would switch to Lelouch's side if she found out about it.  
Because Suzaku knew about the Geass. Finally he handed him over to the emperor so that he could change Lelouch's memories through his Geass.  
So it could very well be that he knew about the Geass that Lelouch had given Estelle. And how would she react if she found out that Suzaku was aware of what he was doing to her the whole time? Did Suzaku use her imposed Geass to obey him?

“It's not just you. Tell me ... have you noticed any other things about him lately?” He leads the conversation in the desired direction.

The first thing that comes to mind is his distorted view of reality when he mistook her for Zero. She pensively avoids Lelouch's gaze. She doesn't want to tell anything about it. She felt such shame when she remembered his nasty crime.

"Well ... he's not in the best mental condition. He's never been, but lately it's been particularly bad...", she tells him sadly.

Suzaku's tense, serious look changes to a slightly shocked one when he is reminded of his poor mental state. And this time it wasn't his psychologist, but Estelle. Somehow that worried him in a way. What did she base her statement on? When he thinks about it, nothing concrete occurs to him.

Her desperate voice arouses Lelouch's interest.

"What happened? Do you want to talk about it?” asks Lelouch sensitively.  
Maybe he'd even find out more from her about Suzaku than he'd hoped.

She sighs with a heavy heart. Lelouch realizes that it is very difficult for her to talk about it. There is a short silence.

"Suzaku ... was in belief I was Zero. He ... stripped me and had me locked up. I told him I was his knight, but he didn't believe me. And ... to make matters worse ... one day later he didn't remember what he has done to me .... So it happened that he was given a forced leave of absence and we showed up here at Ashford Academy again …," she explains roughly, leaving out the details out of shame.

When Suzaku hears this from Estelle, he is frozen. 

He... thought she was Zero ...?! That couldn't be true, there was a mix-up. After all, Lelouch was ... - He suddenly opens his eyes and holds his aching head in both hands as the memories are awakened in fragments. Trembling, he realizes what he had done to the girl. He was insane so his madness made him forgot.

He wanted to catch Zero - a culprit - but just made himself guilty. In order to satisfy his desire for equalizing justice, according to his own ideas, he has caused her great suffering. Lelouch, who was sitting peacefully in front of Estelle in the student council room, was not the danger. He, himself, was the danger.

Shocked and desperate by his recurring knowledge, he jumps down from the tree and leaves the school grounds, running.

Lelouch is shocked and looks at her with wide eyes.  
Suzaku had undressed her when he thought she was Zero - he imagined her being him? He suspects that Estelle was too ashamed to tell him the whole story. Lelouch isn't just surprised by her confession, but can now imagine what Suzaku would have loved to do to him. Lelouch should have been in her place after all.  
That probably meant that Suzaku considered it the highest punishment to torture Lelouch mentally and physically by sleeping with him. And that it must have meant something to Suzaku when they have been intimate.

His gaze relaxes again.  
"Did you ... actually become Suzaku's knight because of him ...?" Asks Lelouch somewhat hesitantly. He doesn't want to reopen her sores any further.  
  
Estelle still has her eyes averted from Lelouch, ashamed, with despair in her eyes.  
"Yes. I wanted to see him again, you know?! I didn't expect that he would have changed so much ...” Estelle replies sadly.

Lelouch nods thoughtfully. She had developed feelings for Suzaku, he knew that. That's why she wanted him back. And Lelouch? He wanted him back too. But unlike Estelle, he couldn't just show up at his place. He was the cause of Suzaku's suffering, after all. There was no excuse Suzaku would accept for that either. However Lelouch planned to win Suzaku back as a friend, no action would be successful. That's why Lelouch turned back to the goal with which all began. Because this was his life's work, his reason for existence, which is why he continued to pursue it. He became Zero again to take revenge on his father and rid the world of tyrants.

“Suzaku was already mentally damaged by what he had done to his father and thus to his country. He never got through that either ... I really wish I could help him. But ... he doesn't seem to let himself be helped ... not even by his childhood friend …," says Lelouch with concern in his voice.

"Yes, Suzaku has also been to me like changed since I've been in his service. He doesn't seem to trust you any more than he trusts me. Is it because we are both former friends of his? Does he no longer trust any of his friends? If so ... why?” Estelle asks the questions thoughtfully in the room.

She didn't seem to have any suspicions about Lelouch's identity as Zero and even believed that there was no argument between the two. Now that he has won her trust, he could continue with his plan, which aims at the liberation of C.C. But instead he have to wait a little longer to be on the safe side. As a highly talented strategist, he knows that patience is a virtue and he doesn't want to rush things.

"Tell me ... he's not really your boyfriend, is he?" He looks at Estelle. They just couldn't be a couple after what she revealed to him.  
  
She then sighs. "No, he is not. But he apparently believes it”.  
  
So she admitted it. Lelouch flicked a short smile across his face.  
"I see …" he says thoughtfully.

“I'll leave now. I'm sure you'll be expected at dinner,” says Estelle. When she wants to leave immediately, she adds, "Oh, and Lelouch ... our conversation... is just between the two of us?"  
"Of course. I won't tell anyone about it."

When Suzaku arrives at the military base, he avoids being detected by Lloyd and Cécile and throws himself desperate and distraught on his bed pillow. A sharp psychological pain spread inside him. Tears are forming in his eyes and he would like to scream now. He would so much like to yell at Lelouch that he was to blame for all of this. But he couldn't hold him responsible for the mistakes he'd made himself. He saw clearly now. He became aware of all that he had done to his knight.

Sobbing and streaked with tears, he gets up from the bed to grab his sleeping pills on the bedside table. He fetches a glass filled with water and throws the entire contents of the almost full package of sleeping pills into it. He takes a deep breath in and out before he brings the glass to his mouth and wants to empty it quickly. Sip by sip of the contents travel down his throat.

But after he has already emptied half of it, his Live-Geass suddenly activates. His mouth leaves the edge of the glass and he is forced to loosen his grip so that the glass falls to the floor. A cracking noise can be heard from the hard impact as it shatters into a thousand pieces and the remaining liquid spreads on the floor.

After his Geass has stopped working, he falls uncontrollably with his back on his bed, in front of which he was until recently. He is now lying unconscious on the mattress with his eyes closed.

Estelle comes home and when she arrives late for dinner, she runs into Cécile and asks her whether she and Lloyd have already eaten. She says yes and asks Estelle where Suzaku is.  
"I don't know, I thought he had already eaten with you?" Estelle says, who has a puzzled expression.  
  
"No .... But didn't you say he had a sports class until recently? - He presumably took a shower here first,” Cécile suggests.  
  
“You could be right about that,” she says relaxed as she picks up her food hungrily and is the only one still eating.  
Cécile says goodbye to her and wishes a nice evening before she leaves the canteen.

Estelle is lying in her bed and actually wants to sleep when she thinks of Suzaku. She hadn't had a chance today to mix anything into his drink. That worries her a little. She looks at her watch and realizes that it is quite late for Suzaku to appear suddenly. Seems like she got lucky this time and he stayed away for tonight. With this thought, she falls asleep a short time later calmly.

The next morning she wakes up alone in her bed. When she realizes the lack of physical contact, a relieved sigh escapes her. In fact, Suzaku hadn't gone to see her that night to get sexual intercourse. So did this mean that he no longer wanted to prove to her that she needed him too?  
Presumably that was just one of his short-circuit reactions, as the situation was mentally overwhelming for him.

She gets up and gets ready for school. When she sits down alone at a table in the canteen for breakfast and has already eaten her cereals, her gaze stops at the still empty space opposite.  
Where was Suzaku? Like her today, he had to go to school on time. Even if she isn't keen on seeing him more than necessary, she worries about his absence. After all, she hasn't seen him at school since yesterday.

She decides to go to his room and knock. If he overslept, he would wake up. She knocks a second time with increasing force. However, when she received no reaction this time either, she exclaimed impatiently,  
"Suzaku!? When will you be ready? We have to leave!”  
  
And again she receives no answer in any form. She looks worried.  
"Suzaku!" She calls again, while at the same time banging loudly on the door.  
Panic spreads inside her and she decides to break in. She nervously tries to get the lock open with her bobby pin. When she finally makes it and the door opens, she immediately storms into the room.

With wide eyes she spots Suzaku lying in bed. In front of it she sees a heap of broken glass and a wet spot.  
Panicked, she leans over Suzaku to shake him awake with both hands on his shoulders.  
“Suzaku! Wake up!! ” she exclaims desperately when she notices that he is still sleeping.  
  
She discovers an empty medicine pack on the bedside table next to his bed. Sleeping pills. Had he swallowed the entire contents of the package?  
Stormily she reaches for the radio that Suzaku has on the desk to contact Cécile.

“Cécile! Suzaku is still asleep and cannot be woken up! He has swallowed too much sleeping pills, please help him!!" She sounds in panic in Cecile's ears.  
"What?! I'll be with you immediately!” She replies, alarmed.

A little later, Cécile arrives with various medical instruments.  
Estelle moves aside when Cécile tries to get an idea of him.  
“Estelle, it's best for you to go to school now. I and our doctors will take care of him,” says Cécile determined.

"But Cécile, I-," she is interrupted by her.  
“Please don't worry, he will wake up again. And now leave, otherwise you'll be late,” she instructs Estelle. Estelle is worried, but then sighs when she gets a reassuring smile from Cécile and goes to class.

When her courses begin, her mind revolves around Suzaku. Some things became clear to her now.  
That's why he hadn't shown up yesterday and hadn't had dinner with her either. He went to his room and wanted to commit suicide. But apparently he couldn't finish the glass of sleeping pill overdose. He dropped it before. Was that on purpose? Did he meanwhile realize that it was wrong to want to kill himself and it slipped out of his hand?  
What was the trigger for this behavior anyway? Why did he suddenly want to take his life? Did he feel the same way about yesterday's argument? Something must have made him very depressed.

Estelle wished she didn't get so close to Suzaku's problems. After all, he had caused her great suffering. But still, on the one hand, she couldn't blame him that much, because she knew that he was under psychological stress and had suffered a trauma in combination. He hated himself and kept doing things that he regretted in hindsight and thus made his mental state even worse. She couldn't hate him for what he had done to her. Instead she felt worried about him.

Lelouch, who sat diagonally behind her, didn't escape Suzaku's absence, of course. He ponders what might have happened yesterday and what was responsible for his absence. Estelle could certainly answer that question.

During the break, Lelouch comes up to her before she can leave the classroom.  
“Why is Suzaku not here today? I hope everything is alright with him?” He suddenly speaks to her.

“Ah, morning Lelouch. Well ... I hope so too," she replied doubtfully.  
Lelouch knew something was wrong. With a serious expression and concern in his voice, he wants to know more specific,  
“What else happened yesterday?”  
Estelle bows her head and is silent for a moment.

“He ... tried to kill himself. With the help of an overdose of sleeping pills,” she promptly replies.

A surprised expression forms on Lelouch's face. Suzaku must have been in a very bad mental condition when he tried to take his life. His behavior was nothing new to Lelouch. He thought back to the situation when he gave Suzaku his live-Geass as Zero. Lelouch was very relieved that he had put it on him then. So he didn't need to worry that one day such an attempt would be successful.

"It's not that unusual for Suzaku..." Lelouch mumbles thoughtfully.  
Estelle is shocked. Did Lelouch want to tell her that he knew the behavior of his former best friend?

"He ... has already tried that back then?" She asks him in the face.

Lelouch then reacts a little hesitantly. After all, he could not explain the specific circumstances to her if his identity was to remain secret.  
"He ... um ... tried to kill himself with it ..."

Despair rises in Estelle.  
"But ... he didn't make it," she adds, noting.  
She knew nothing of the existence of the Geass that Lelouch had imposed on him.

“His sleeping pills glass was broken. So he couldn't swallow everything, ” explains Estelle.

"I'm worried about Suzaku too, but I think ... that he won't kill himself because he can't" Lelouch's mouth shows a smile.  
Estelle is only too happy to believe Lelouch's words and nods while forcing a desperate smile.

"Hey you two! Are you coming to the break rooms now?" Both are interrupted by Shirley, who found them by searching the classroom.  
“And where is Suzaku?” She notices questioningly.

“Lelouch asked me the same just now. He wasn't doing so well, that's why he's missing today,” says Estelle, who doesn't want to bring up the topic any further.  
Fortunately, Shirley is satisfied without asking for the details and the three of them leave the classroom.

After school, Estelle wants to say goodbye when she is stopped by Lelouch,  
“Estelle, can I still accompany you?” He asks. Amazed by his sudden request, she replies with a slight smile,  
“Of course. After all, it's about Suzaku, I understand your concern, Lelouch“  
Lelouch smiles gently and they both walk to the military station.  
"I'd better wait outside," Lelouch stops abruptly when they have reached it. At first Estelle looks at him surprised, but then also thinks that it would be better. After all, Suzaku had not been very pleased while interacting with Lelouch.

"All right, I'll tell you how Suzaku is doing," she says, and immediately turns her back on him, eager to hurry to Cécile.

“Cécile, did Suzaku wake up again?!” she storms into the department in which Cécile and Lloyd work.

“He is physically stable and has recently woken up. He's in the room next door to relax, ” she explains.

Estelle then disappears into the next room and is relieved to see an awake Suzaku sitting in bed.

“Suzaku! I ... am so relieved that you are fine!" She immediately lets go of her worries and a smile adorns her mouth.

Suzaku lifts his gaze and sees Estelle standing in front of him in the door frame, who is walking towards him.  
"I'm ... ok," mumbles Suzaku. Physically he seemed to be fine again, but psychologically there were still things that were bothering him.

“What's going on, Suzaku ...? Why ... did you want to ... kill yourself?" Estelle asks hesitantly when she notices his desperate expression.

He looks at her and lowers his head again.  
"I ... wrongly inflicted pain on you ... I forced you ..." Suzaku says in despair, and tears roll down his cheek. 

Estelle is astonished at his reaction. So he could remember again?! Estelle feels sorry for his remorse for his actions.  
"Suzaku ... please do not harm yourself because of feeling guilty. I beg you. You ... would hurt me even more with it ... because believe it or not, I don't want you to leave my life like that because you still mean something to me after all...," she says sympathetically with a sad look.

He suddenly gets up and walks towards the door, stopping in front of her for a moment,  
"I need some fresh air," he says and continues to walk in the development department when she stops him, “Wait, stay here!” She calls after him.  
Cécile and Lloyd are now also aware of the two.

"I won't hurt myself, I promise," he assures her and mumbled, "I am not able to do that anyway ...". So he leaves the hangar at a quick pace.

Estelle stays behind when Cécile gives her a look that tells her that she should let him some time for himself.  
“Cécile, shouldn't he stay in bed?!” asks Estelle, unsure of her decision to let him go.  
“It doesn't cure his psyche either. I believe that he will not harm himself anymore...,” Cécile tells her with a pitying expression.

When Suzaku storms out of the main gate in despair, he runs right past Lelouch, who is almost overrun.

"Suzaku?! Where does he want to go?", Lelouch comes through his mind, surprised by Suzaku's sudden appearance, while he looks after him.

A minute later, Estelle tears him out of his thoughts,  
“Hey, Lelouch! You have probably just met Suzaku yourself”

“Do you know where he's going?” He asks promptly.

"No, but he was mentally pretty destroyed .... Cécile said he needs some time for himself …,” replies Estelle with a downcast gaze.

"Hm, that something is mentally wrong with him, I thought to myself .... It looks like there's not much we can do for him right now. I'll say goodbye now, see you tomorrow," says Lelouch and gives her a hint as he turns and walks away.

She says goodbye with a sad smile with the same hand signal and goes back into the building.

“Cécile, how are we going to proceed with Suzaku? He's already suspended. What if he wants to numb himself with sleeping pills again?” Estelle tells her about her worries.

“As a consequence, his sleeping pills will be withdrawn from him. However ... of course that doesn't solve the cause. I even think that it could get worse without these.... As a precaution, however, we are obliged to do that,” explains Cécile with a thoughtful look.

"Time will tell how it develops..." Estelle sums it up with a murmur.

At the same time, Lelouch is walking down a remote path. Suzaku had run this way, he had watched it. When he arrives at a fork in the road and wonders which way his friend has taken, a flash of ideas came over him. To the left, in the same direction, was the imperial cemetery. It had to be. Suzaku wanted to go there. Lelouch turns and then sprints as fast as he can along the path to the left. After about 100 meters he stops breathing heavily and exhausted.

When he pulls himself up again and looks up, Lelouch already sees his destination in front of him. Behind the hill on which he is standing he discovers the cemetery. He then spots the person he is looking for around 30 meters away.

Lelouch spots Suzaku, who is standing desperately in front of a grave.  
In front of Euphie's grave.


End file.
